This is my space and these are my thoughts

I'm done! I'm done! No more little kids! Ahh....they were crazy! Ahh...I actuallly had fighters today! Ok, not real fighters but arguers and we had to split them up. Arg...I never know what to do when kids fight, I dun wanna punish them but it's gonna be done! One thing I've noticed is that it's always the Chinese ones who don't wanna do anything. And it's not just any Chinese kid, it's the ones who come with siblings. For example, for the last five days, Michael and Vanessa has not wanted to do anything. Actually, you can kinda tell Vanessa wanted to join in but she always just did whatever Michael did. That was how Gloria and Joanne were like too! Aww...Gloria was all unhappy and unwilling to do anything today and so Joanne didn't do anything either! It's so sad when you see how Joanne really, really wanted to play but since her big sister wasn't playing, she didn't wanna play either.

The kid I'm gonna miss the most has got to be Mei Ni. She is honestly the cutest little kids ever! Today was "A Day at the Fair" and we had a clown come in to entertain the kids. The thing is, Mei Ni is terrified of clowns and her mom was supposed to come pick her up before the clown came but the clown came early! Mei Ni saw the clown and immediately said "I don't like clowns". But she looked so confused. At first, she looked like she was gonna cry but then afterward, she just seemed kinda confused cuz she didn't really seem afraid of the clown. In the end, she was jumping and screaming along with all the other kids, demanding to have a balloon hat made for her! Aw...I'm so gonna miss that kid! LOL, her mom looked so surprised when she walked in seeing Mei Ni enjoying the clown so much!

*sigh* I'm just taking some time blogging while I wait to go to Flora's house to watch an Edison movie. Mmm...Edison... *droolz* If only I had a nice, hot boyfriend who'll buy me flowers. I don't know why I even like flowers so much, they just seem so romantic to give. LOL, the classic date gift. Hmm, haven't yet gotten any flowers from guys but I'm still so happy about those 18 roses from my girls. Think it's about time to flip them back over yet? They've been drying for a very long time.

See, I've always been able to picture what romantic gifts guys can get for their girls but what romantic gift can a girl get her guy? Flowers? Not really. A necklace? Uh....I don't really think so. Cologne? Mmm....a nice smelling guy, that'll be killing two birds with one stone. Your guy gets a nice gift and you get a guy that smells great.

Ah...guys with cologne are so.....*sigh* Honestly, guys need to learn to invest in some good cologne and learn how to put it on. No trigger-happy fingers please! Mm...I remember at the karaoke place, Jack smelled so good! LoL, sorrie dumcat, sorrie Flora, Jack's mine! Muahahaha.

You know, life's a real bitch but I'm honestly trying to cope. It's hard when you depend so much on someone who doesn't want you to depend on them. I'm glad I finally found someone who went through the exact same thing as me and can relate to me when I talk about it. I think my period has screwed up my hormones and consequently, my emotions, this week. My period's going and I'm feeling a little more light-hearted. I still don't know what to do though. Even if I do wanna find another person to be my confidante, it's not easy to just...switch. It's just not done like that.

I don't wanna continue, I'll just get depressed if I think about it more.

BTW, I took a self-test at adaa.org to determine whether or not I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, but it doesn't really tell you a result. So how many yeses do you hafta check off before you're considered suffering from OCD?

Song of the Moment: There You'll Be - Faith Evans

posted by j.why @ 9:51 PM 0 comments

Wah!!! I'm so tired! I keep saying that I'll go home early so I can actually have energy but that never happens! LOL, at least I'm not the only camp counsellor that does that.

Woohoo, some of my kids weren't there today. Some were really hard to handle but I miss Mandalyn, she was a real sweetie. But then again, I had some new kids today. I was supposed to have a kid named Gloria but her little sister wouldn't leave her and join her own group! So I had Gloria and Joanne in my group. Honestly, the maturity level really changes with two years difference. Joanne was the first three year old I had (and the only one!) and she probably took up more of my energy than the other six kids I had! Luckily, she really listens to her sister so whatever I wanted her to do, I just told her sister to tell her to do it. Wahahaha.

One more day and no more little kids with runny noses! Aww...but I'm really gonna miss some of the cute ones. Aww...they aren't even in my group but they're so cute! Hmm...forgot what else I was gonna say.

Honestly, when your with those little kids, you don't even have time to think. You're always just looking all over the place, making sure the kids don't eat glue and they don't fall off the cars. Soooo tired....I tink it's nappy time.

BTW, it sucks that I had to wait an hour for my bus today. I was so ready to call someone, anyone, to come get me but 1) I forgot my cell phone and left it at home, and 2) I had no one to call! Ah well, it eventually came and I'm obviously home now.

posted by j.why @ 2:24 PM 0 comments

One reason I like Linkin Park is that their songs actually have something to say. I'm usually not much of a punk/rock/alternative person but there are just those songs that you can't help but like.

posted by j.why @ 8:32 PM 0 comments

Kobe left his dinner uneaten for three hours last night. Three whole hours! I thought maybe the medicine had stopped working and he didn't wanna eat anymore! We all had such a scare. My sister fed him at 6:30 before we went out for dinner and when we came back, his food was untouched! Finally, we had to make a game out of feeding him before he was willing to eat. It was such a relief to see him finally head to the food bowl.

I don't know why he wasn't eating yesterday. Maybe he had a cold? Maybe he just didn't feel like it? But it's Kobe, he always feels like eating.

Yesterday's event gave me such a scare. I kept thinking, 'it's been less than three months, this can't be happening." My dad's going to HK tomorrow, now I hafta be the one to give Kobe his daily medication.

posted by j.why @ 8:23 PM 0 comments

Kiddies Korner is going great. The kids were actually really well behaved. Except for today. Taking half an hour to get ready to go outside for 10 minutes is not worth it. No more outdoor play.

I'm still feeling uneasy. I feel like I've done something wrong and should be apologizing but what have I done wrong? I need to keep myself busy. When I'm with the little kids, I forget all my problems but once I step out that door, it all just comes back to me. I have no appetite. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I need to know that things are okay again but I don't even know if they'll ever be okay.

Singing k was fun...I want to go more. Ahh...my voice...I couldn't reach the higher notes yesterday...poo =(. Maybe it was cuz of the crying I did earlier and the night before. (Note to self, no crying before going to sing k).

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

posted by j.why @ 1:35 PM 0 comments

=*(

Misery loves company.

Please, if you see me tomorrow, give me a hug and don't let go.

I don't want to talk about what happened but I need a little (make that a lot) of emotional support right now.

posted by j.why @ 1:15 AM 0 comments

I know I've avoided talking about this here but it's constantly on my mind. Looking at Kobe, it's hard to believe that he's dying from cancer. He's happy, energetic, eating, drinking - there just doesn't seem like there's something wrong with him. But the sad truth is, there is.

It's almost mid-March now. It's been almost two months since we found out about this. The doctor said that, even with the medication, he'd only have about three months. That means that my time with Kobe is quickly drawing to an end. It's so hard to know that someone close to you is dying and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's so hard to tell. Is he in pain? Does he know what's happening to him? When the time finally comes that the medicine stops being effective, what am I supposed to do? When am I supposed to put him down? Do I do it right in the beginning so that he won't feel the pain of the cancer and the anorexia? Or do I wait until he completely stops eating, and have him live as long as he possibly can?

The one good thing is that he's eating now. He's actually eating more now. He'll constantly stop in front of the pantry, hoping for a biscuit. He's getting three cups of food per meal as opposed to the two he used to get. I've finally noticed that he's put on weight.

My only hope is that the doctor will be wrong about the three months thing. I don't want to lose Kobe so soon. He's had such a short life. He's only 5! He's still my baby!

posted by j.why @ 9:45 PM 0 comments

ok...i thought that maybe when he finally calls that it would mean that things are back to normal. I guess not. It wasn't exactly...a sad/mad/depressed call but I couldn't stop crying for some reason. The voice...it was so empty. Where did all the life go?

I don't understand but I desperately want to.


My eyes hurt, goodbye.

posted by j.why @ 9:18 PM 0 comments

once again, i was up late doing absolutely nothing. well, not nothing. it took me until 5 in the morning but i read through all the blogs that i've written since i've gotten this blog and i must say, i've been a really depressed person. it's just so surprising how so much changed in just a few months. for the longest time, i lived each day in depression - for almost six months actually. so much happened and so much changed in my life. what can i say? i'm not really good at coping with change.

*sigh* For some reason, it seems that just when things start to go my way, they start going all wrong again. I had about a month of relative happiness and now, once again, I seem to be falling back into depression. It's hard to stay optimistic if everything in your life is spiralling downwards. I wake up with a heavy heart, carry it around for the day, and I go to sleep with an even heavier heart. There is so much that I need to let out but what good will that do when I know that it will just make things worse?

On a lighter note, I saw Cradle 2 the Grave today. I don't understand what significance the title has to the movie cuz i don't see any connection at all. I love Jet Li. Honestly, since the good old days when he played "Wong Fei Hong" I've thought he was soo....wow. I know, he's old and short but man...men that can fight like that can never look bad.

Once again, I'm home by midnight. I'm glad I finally got my dim sum but I still want dim sum for dinner. Mmm...that would be good. I haven't talked on the phone in ages. No one's called in a while. When you have a phone to your ear and someone on the other line, you don't really realize how empty and quiet your house is.

*sigh* I hate being a Piscean. The whole empathetic thing isn't working out for me. I know it's supposed to be a good thing that I feel whatever people close to me are feeling but do I hafta feel so depressed? I mean, I was relatively happy for a couple weeks, why can't it stay that way?

*sigh* Lilo and Stitch is on satellite. Maybe that will pick me up? Hopefully my satellite card is working and this weather hasn't messed it up.


"falling in love with you
is like taking a bullet
for the person
I
wanted
to
be"

posted by j.why @ 12:45 AM 0 comments