This is my space and these are my thoughts

ah...a have a few minutes before I head off to bed. It's kinda weird to see how school is beginning to stress out people who usually didn't stress before. I used to say I was stressed about school but I've never experienced the worry that I feel now. Double the number of applicants without the doubling of entry spaces, the competition is horrible!

I guess I don't have much to say today, it's been such a happy day for me because I started my homework early and I actually got it all done tonight instead of carrying it over into the next day. Well, this isn't entirely true...I have media studies to do, which was due on Monday, but I just can't bring myself to work on that. *sigh*

Man, a lot of people read dumcat's blog. But you see, his is so much more interesting than mine. I dunno, I feel for him. I can understand that loneliness and sadness he talked about today. For so many people, their public selves and their private selves are completely different. I guess he's just one of those extroverts who like to be around people. I'm like that too.

Ah well, two days away from the Halloween thing. I'm not sure if I really want to go but I think I'll go anyway, even if just for a little while. I'm afraid of any tension arising. Although things have been great, I've been known to burst into weird mood swings.

As you can tell, I really don't have much to talk about today. Oh yeah, the grad pics hopefully will turn out okay. The photographer was a really nice lady. It's so true how simple acts of kindness can really brighten one's day.

Anyways...off to Dreamland...

posted by j.why @ 1:10 AM 0 comments

Yay...the bio test got moved to Friday! I'm so glad about that because I'm totally not ready for it...i haven't read anything about it yet actually. English...becoming less stressful but just as one assignment ends, another one begins! It just doesn't stop.

I'm kind of excited about going away to that leadership conference at Queen's. Tiff brought up a really good point though that the names of the workshops don't sound very interesting or helpful at all. Still, I think it will be good experience and maybe I'll learn something so I signed up for it anyway. Haha...that pushed back my bio seminar one full week...coulda made it further back too but that wouldn't help my procrastinating nature! Too bad not more people knew about this...it would have been fun to go away for a weekend and bunking with friends. Ah well, I'm happy with one.

I've realized that practically every time I write is around midnight. I guess I'm a pretty stick-to-routine kinda of person aren't I? Yeah...I don't deal well with change.

I'm so happy that I've already got in my mind ideas for Christmas presents for everyone, and it's not even Halloween yet! Now the only obstacle left to get across is the money issue. I tried saving up my allowance but once the money gets into my wallet, I can't help but to spend it. I admit, I'm an impulse buyer! I try leaving the money on my desk but that doens't work either. It sits there and stares back at me, beckoning me to pick it up. Yeah, yeah, I'm not crazy, I just act like that sometimes.

Right now, I'm sitting here with two different makeovers on my eyes. Why? I asked my sister today to pick out some natural-looking makeup for me so I can wear it for my grad photos. I don't want anything too dramatic because I don't usually wear makeup and I'm afraid it won't look like me if I do. Anyway, I digress. She felt that she had to test out the makeup first to see what looks good on me and then proceeded to make me practice smiling in front of the mirror (which I should do considering I don't want to look like a fool).

I hate how the weather is right now. It's not warm enough to wear just a light jacket and it's not cold enough for a winter jacket. Okay, there are fall jackets out there but and hey, I do own one but it's too fancy to wear a sweatshirt underneath and besides, I wear it in winter. Not a good idea, considering I freeze a lot but hey, I like the style.

Anyway, my break between doing English and Chem is coming to an end and I'm guessing this signals the end of my entry. Later, Alligator.

posted by j.why @ 12:26 AM 0 comments

I didn't want to blog today because I had to do my English but since daylight savings gave me another hour, I'll write. I need to. I'm so hurt right now because it seems as if my problems never end. Has my time of depression completely and successfully alienated everyone? At the time when I am most in need of reliable friend, my desperation is pushing everyone away.

I don't need all this trouble in the last year of high school. I need to concentrate on work and doing good because I know that that is important for my future but I also need to concentrate on my problems because it's important for my now and without my now, there won't be a future.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It seems that my problem with that one friend is almost over and it's almost normal again but right when it's about to end, something else pops up. There are so many unanswered questions that I desperately need to know the answer to. Are things good with Tailz again? I don't know...he seems to be talking to me again but it's hard to know if he really is when I know that he'll act all polite and civil to someone even though he doesn't like them. So the big question here is, is it real talk or the "I don't like you but don't want you to know" talk?

There's so much chaos flying around my personal life that I can't concentrate on school. It's hard to know that a friend lied to you but didn't tell you. That they knew that you really wanted to go out but didn't invite you out because he decided that he would rather go out with someone he likes. Or when he told me that he didn't want to go out but then went out later on that night because he didn't wanna see someone. One of the few people who I relied on through my depressed period betrayed me and that hurt like hell. I know, it can't be easy on them as well but still...I can't help but to feel hurt.

What use is it to complain? Does that ever solve anything? I always felt that the best approach to any problem was the direct approach. And look at where that has gotten me. Every time I try to solve a problem, no one else is willing to talk it through with me and it becomes so frustrating. Leaving the problem alone doesn't solve it either. It just festers and gets worse. Are so many people really willing to let things lie as they are now so that they will decay into nothingness?

I don't want to put any blame on anyone. If it's anyone's fault, it's my own for being depressed and for wanting things to be better. But the truth of the matter is, the fault does not lie only in myself and other people don't want to hear that they were wrong too. I was never one to believe that one person should take up all the blame. I can't put all the blame on my friends for acting the way they do but I can't put the blame solely on myself because I just don't see it that way. Lately though it seems as if no one wants to share in on the faults. I can admit to the wrongs that I have done, why can't others? I was so tired of fighting last week that just to end it, I decided to let the other party think that it was all my fault, that he had no blame at all as to the tatters of the friendship. Tonight, just so that I didn't alienate another person, I decided to take on the blame again. I don't mind finding faults in myself but I can't take on the burden of every single problem on my own small back. Isn't there some kind of saying that says that burdens are so much easier to carry if everyone shares in it? I can't deal with this. I don't to cry myself to sleep every night. I don't want to lose my friends. I want things the way they were. Is that so much to ask?

posted by j.why @ 1:46 AM 0 comments