Friday, January 10, 2003

*sigh* long time no write. Okay...what to say now? Actually I really don't have much to say except that I'm glad I'm finally done with English (until exam time) and I can concentrate on bio and chem. Joy to the world. Anyway, nothing much I'm writing about except I wanted to share an article I found in the Toronto Star with you guys. It's from the January 5, 2003 Sunday Star and the author of this column is Sean Cullen. Ok, here goes...

How weird we'll be in 2003

I've been asked to make predictions for the year 2003. Predicting the future has always been an inexact science. The Romans cut open animals and read their entrails. The Vikings had rune stones to guide them. Nostradamus, the grandmaster of prophecy, had some obscure apparatus involving bronze bowls filled with liquid and a pair of scales.

Well, I'm allergic to bronze, afraid of stones and I speak entrail but don't really read it very well. I have my own method of predicting the future. I channel the spirit of the magical orangutan, Mrs. Jingles, and she tells me of things that will happen in the future. Here we go.

Mrs. Jingles! Mrs. Jingles! Red lady of the rainforest! Enter me now! Oh! Mrs. Jingles! Snort! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

Hear me, O Canada! Hear the voice of Mrs. Jingles! Hear what the coming year has in store!

The Seán Cullen Show airs for the first time on CBC Television at 9 p.m. Jan. 17, causing widespread delight and gales of laughter that threaten the very fabric of Canadian society. Demand for Seán Cullen wigs sweeps the nation leading to widespread panic. The network decides to hold back further episodes until the wig industry can make good its shortfall. An era of peace, goodwill and kindness threatens to undermine miserable, humourless people everywhere.

Also in January, the Bush administration continues to push for war in Iraq despite the fact that UN weapons inspectors have found no evidence of weapons of mass destruction in the rogue state. George W. Bush insists the weapons exist though no evidence can be found. He claims that the Iraqis are building millions of missiles that are disguised as camels. These intercontinental ballistic camels are doubly dangerous because they can travel long distances without drinking water.

In February, Saddam Hussein's moustache leads the Iraqi people in a revolt against the rest of the dictator. Victorious, President Moustache declares February National Facial Hair Day and invites Farley Mowat to be the judge of the first ever "Mr. Middle East Moustache Pageant." Peace, stability and whiskers grow in the region.

Prince Edward Island declares itself a separate country in March. The tiny province reveals that it is secretly the home of the lost civilization of Atlantis. The Canadian government attempts to retake the island by force but is defeated by mysterious yet powerful potato-wielding lobster-men.

In April, all of China disappears into another dimension. The horrible incident is blamed on Chen Li, a bus driver from Shanghai who fell asleep while smoking in bed. Tidal waves, earthquakes and catastrophic flooding ensue all over the world. The story leads the news everywhere except in the United States where it will be overshadowed by Jennifer Aniston's announcement that she is pregnant.

Bill Gates surprises everyone in May by purchasing Belgium. He wanders around the country for a while drinking beer out of a hollowed-out cheese, commissions a giant chocolate sculpture of himself and then orders the entire country dismantled, shipped and re-assembled in the middle of the Pacific Ocean next to Hawaii. Gates renames the country Belgium 2.0. The Belgians love the change until hundreds of glitches occur in Belgium 2.0 and Microsoft forces them to buy an upgrade to Belgium 2.1 for $329.

In June, aliens from Alpha Centauri arrive and make contact with the people of Canada. The highly advanced beings, benevolent and peaceful, offer to share their almost magical technologies with us. The advances in medicine and science the Alpha Centaurians offer promise to eradicate hunger, cure all known diseases and usher in an era of peace and enlightenment for humankind. Unfortunately, the aliens arrive in the middle of the Stanley Cup final series between the Vancouver Canucks and the Toronto Maple Leafs, so their offer is completely ignored.

The month of July passes with absolutely nothing occurring. The entire world falls asleep for the whole month and wakes up very cross and irritable.

In August, a rodeo clown strike cripples the Calgary Stampede. The clowns demand higher wages and funnier pants. Negotiations drag on until, finally, the Alberta government legislates the rodeo clowns back to work but some say that the clowns are not as funny as they were in previous years.

August headlines are dominated by the sudden return of China from another dimension. After the inherent flooding, earthquakes and tidal waves subside, the Chinese reveal that in the other dimension they encountered a race of beings that taught them how to live in harmony and peace and how to build a clean, perpetual energy source. The discovery is lost in the hubbub surrounding the announcement that Jennifer Aniston's baby is not Brad Pitt's.

Peter Mansbridge announces he will leave his position at CBC's The National to pursue a career in figure skating. When asked to comment, he says, "Hello, I'm Peter Mansbridge and now ... the Lutz."

Financial news dominates the month of September. In a surprise move, the Toronto Dominion Bank merges with the Bank of Montreal, the Royal Bank Financial Group, The Bank of Nova Scotia and the Canadian Imperial bank of Commerce to create a giant mega bank called the Royal Imperial Bank of Montreal, Nova Scotia and Toronto Incorporated or RIBONSTINC. The public responds by laughing at the new bank's name.

In October, the King of Pop Michael Jackson is badly injured when his infant son dangles him out a hotel window. He is rushed to a hospital where doctors attempt to replace his shattered body parts with mechanical ones. But they find he is already a robot.

The world is shocked in November when cats reveal they are actually in charge of the weather. When asked to prove this, the cats curl up and lick themselves. The resulting hurricanes devastate the Maritime provinces.

The City of Toronto, in an attempt to be politically correct, decides there will be no Christmas in 2003. Instead, they will have a holiday entitled, "The Time of the Non-Denominational Flying Puppets." Hundreds of aerodynamic puppets will be dropped from helicopters to signify ... no one really knows what. The resulting confusion sparks a mass exodus from Toronto leaving the city occupied only by Mel Lastman, who wanders the streets looking for motorcycle gang leaders to shake hands with.

Hear me! I am Mrs. Jingles, Orangutan of Prophesy! These are my predictions for the Year 2003! I leave the body of Seán Cullen now and return to my Magic Jungle! Ook! Ook! Ook!

Whew! Is she gone? I hope so. Every time she vacates my body, I'm left with a lingering desire to eat grubs from a rotting log and fling my dung at zookeepers. If any of the predictions Mrs. Jingles made come true it's going to be an exciting year. The one thing I know for sure is that we'll all be a year older and, hopefully, a year wiser. I hope you have a happy and prosperous New Year wherever you may be.

posted by j.why @ 12:43 AM 0 comments