This is my space and these are my thoughts

I know...I haven't blogged in a long time...it's just...I don't know what to think...there are things going on in my life that have got me so confused...I haven't blogged because even if I did blog, it'd prolly not even be coherent. So, now that you know that thing's might not turn out understandable, I'll just say I tried my best to make things coherent.

I hate secrets. I hate it when you're suffering so much internally but you can't let people now. I hate thinking, thinking of things that happened, of things that could've happened, and of things that might still happen. I hate being ashamed of myself, I hate giving in so easily, I hate letting things get so far. I hate loving and the heartbreak that comes with it. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate mood swings, I hate being so happy at school around people, I hate being depressed home alone. I hate letting history repeat. I hate knowing things are going on around me but not caring. I hate caring too much about people but not letting myself show it.

Everyone's going through a tough time. No one has time to be happy and think about others because everyone is so wrapped up in their own problems, myself included. I read about everyone's problems in their blogs but I don't approach them about it, to try and cajole and make things better. Why? I don't know...I don't know what to say, I just don't want to know everyone's problems because that would mean an even heavier burden on my heart. I want to be caring, be like a certain friend of mine who seems to care a lot about his friends and does things to help them, but I can't bring myself to do that. I can't talk to people right now, I might just make things worse. I'm being selfish, I know I'm being selfish but I can't bring myself to act in any other way right now.

I want friends to be there for me without questioning why I need them. If and when I'm ready, it will come out. I want friends to know I do care, even without verbally expressing it. It's a hard thing to do, especially when your only line of communication on weekdays is through ICQ. It's hard to feel that I care, especially when the only time I see people over an extended period of time is over the weekends.

Do you see why I haven't blogged? Everyone is in such misery, why add to the pool of doom with my own problems? Sharing the burden is supposed to make things easier but who will I willingly pass it to when I know that everyone already has such a heavy load to carry? No one. I'm just...going to go now.

posted by j.why @ 10:53 PM 0 comments

Ok...so I got a request to blog more...well...what is there to say? Just came back from Tiff's show...it was great! You guys are better than Kaiyotes (sp?)! Yes, dumcat, u heard me! Wow...those guys could really hit those high notes, great singers there, and that song, Gravity, I thought it was such a good song...blah...

Anyways...congrats to Pita for winning first place! Woohoo, now ur popular and are gonna get called back next year to sing again as the reigning champion! Blah...it woulda been a bigger deal if it was something unexpected but since everyone already knew you were going to win (that's right, I just gave you a compliment by saying u were the best, don't expect too many of those), it was small stuff. Lol, guess ya shouldn't have went up there then, huh? I certain someone (no names but let's just say "pink hair") seems to like you again, haha.

Anyways...been sick for a full week now, it's slowly getting better. People are still saying I should go see the doctor but since it's almost gone, is there still a point in going? I do sound like a frog with my croaky voice but meh, I can live with it. Oh well, we'll see how long this thing lasts.

Matrix 2...hmm...I found it not as great as the first but it was still good. The action sequences were cool although there were times when it looked really fake. I think people found this one not so great as the first because all the philosophy of the first one just wasn't in this one. The whole foundation of the Matrix was already laid down so yeah...now they're just getting on with a regular story. Ah well....I'm done blogging...for now...

posted by j.why @ 7:42 PM 0 comments