This is my space and these are my thoughts

I know...I haven't blogged in a long time...it's just...I don't know what to think...there are things going on in my life that have got me so confused...I haven't blogged because even if I did blog, it'd prolly not even be coherent. So, now that you know that thing's might not turn out understandable, I'll just say I tried my best to make things coherent.

I hate secrets. I hate it when you're suffering so much internally but you can't let people now. I hate thinking, thinking of things that happened, of things that could've happened, and of things that might still happen. I hate being ashamed of myself, I hate giving in so easily, I hate letting things get so far. I hate loving and the heartbreak that comes with it. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate mood swings, I hate being so happy at school around people, I hate being depressed home alone. I hate letting history repeat. I hate knowing things are going on around me but not caring. I hate caring too much about people but not letting myself show it.

Everyone's going through a tough time. No one has time to be happy and think about others because everyone is so wrapped up in their own problems, myself included. I read about everyone's problems in their blogs but I don't approach them about it, to try and cajole and make things better. Why? I don't know...I don't know what to say, I just don't want to know everyone's problems because that would mean an even heavier burden on my heart. I want to be caring, be like a certain friend of mine who seems to care a lot about his friends and does things to help them, but I can't bring myself to do that. I can't talk to people right now, I might just make things worse. I'm being selfish, I know I'm being selfish but I can't bring myself to act in any other way right now.

I want friends to be there for me without questioning why I need them. If and when I'm ready, it will come out. I want friends to know I do care, even without verbally expressing it. It's a hard thing to do, especially when your only line of communication on weekdays is through ICQ. It's hard to feel that I care, especially when the only time I see people over an extended period of time is over the weekends.

Do you see why I haven't blogged? Everyone is in such misery, why add to the pool of doom with my own problems? Sharing the burden is supposed to make things easier but who will I willingly pass it to when I know that everyone already has such a heavy load to carry? No one. I'm just...going to go now.

posted by j.why @ 10:53 PM