This is my space and these are my thoughts

I didn't want to blog today because I had to do my English but since daylight savings gave me another hour, I'll write. I need to. I'm so hurt right now because it seems as if my problems never end. Has my time of depression completely and successfully alienated everyone? At the time when I am most in need of reliable friend, my desperation is pushing everyone away.

I don't need all this trouble in the last year of high school. I need to concentrate on work and doing good because I know that that is important for my future but I also need to concentrate on my problems because it's important for my now and without my now, there won't be a future.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It seems that my problem with that one friend is almost over and it's almost normal again but right when it's about to end, something else pops up. There are so many unanswered questions that I desperately need to know the answer to. Are things good with Tailz again? I don't know...he seems to be talking to me again but it's hard to know if he really is when I know that he'll act all polite and civil to someone even though he doesn't like them. So the big question here is, is it real talk or the "I don't like you but don't want you to know" talk?

There's so much chaos flying around my personal life that I can't concentrate on school. It's hard to know that a friend lied to you but didn't tell you. That they knew that you really wanted to go out but didn't invite you out because he decided that he would rather go out with someone he likes. Or when he told me that he didn't want to go out but then went out later on that night because he didn't wanna see someone. One of the few people who I relied on through my depressed period betrayed me and that hurt like hell. I know, it can't be easy on them as well but still...I can't help but to feel hurt.

What use is it to complain? Does that ever solve anything? I always felt that the best approach to any problem was the direct approach. And look at where that has gotten me. Every time I try to solve a problem, no one else is willing to talk it through with me and it becomes so frustrating. Leaving the problem alone doesn't solve it either. It just festers and gets worse. Are so many people really willing to let things lie as they are now so that they will decay into nothingness?

I don't want to put any blame on anyone. If it's anyone's fault, it's my own for being depressed and for wanting things to be better. But the truth of the matter is, the fault does not lie only in myself and other people don't want to hear that they were wrong too. I was never one to believe that one person should take up all the blame. I can't put all the blame on my friends for acting the way they do but I can't put the blame solely on myself because I just don't see it that way. Lately though it seems as if no one wants to share in on the faults. I can admit to the wrongs that I have done, why can't others? I was so tired of fighting last week that just to end it, I decided to let the other party think that it was all my fault, that he had no blame at all as to the tatters of the friendship. Tonight, just so that I didn't alienate another person, I decided to take on the blame again. I don't mind finding faults in myself but I can't take on the burden of every single problem on my own small back. Isn't there some kind of saying that says that burdens are so much easier to carry if everyone shares in it? I can't deal with this. I don't to cry myself to sleep every night. I don't want to lose my friends. I want things the way they were. Is that so much to ask?

posted by j.why @ 1:46 AM