This is my space and these are my thoughts

This was from yesterday, it didn't post so I'm posting it now

Hi, it's me again, the crazy bitch. What to tell today? I'm still grr about my beautiful entry about the school situation being deleted. This has taught me to always save what I write just in case it conks out on me again. What's that thing called again, dumcat? Microsoft FrontPage? What is that anyway? I think I might have it except I dont' know how to use it.

Ok, maybe I have been very paranoid. I'm scaring myself half to death with my own thoughts because they have all been so negative. I've even thought about suicide. No need for alarm though because I won't do something that stupid. I value life too much to take it away from myself. I struggle so hard to forgive, forget, and friggin concentrate on my work and some days it works but some days, I just fall back into my weirdness.

A friend of mine brought up the suggestion that I should go see a psychologist or a psychiatrist because I obviously have problems (his words, not mine). I laughed at it because I don't really believe they are much help to begin with. For one, psychiatrists just pump you full of medication and that's just unhealthy for you. Secondly, dumcat even said that psychologists just rip you off your money. And I agree with that. When you have problems, you should be able to turn to friends and family - the people who really know you. But the more I think about seeing a psychologist, the more I think maybe he's right. If I really do have problems, like if I'm suffering from real depression and not just teenage stupidity, then my friends won't be able to help me no matter how hard they may try. I'm so scared to find out there really is something wrong with me.

I got invited to another fob friend's birthday party. I love the girl but I'm not sure if I should go. I just don't feel very comfortable because I hardly know anyone there and it'll be at the house of someone I don't know. I'm thinking maybe I should just go for a bit and leave early? I don't want to disrespect her by not going. She said it'd be okay if I didn't go and that she understands why but that just makes me feel worse if I don't go because she is so understanding.

I had a very, very happy Thanksgiving weekend. I haven't gone out in so long and to finally go out felt so great. There's one thing I'm a little ugh over though. See, the whole time at Vwan's b-day party, I was looking forward to singing this one song called Silent All These Years by Stephanie Sun. But then, Eva just had to go and sing it too even though she didn't know the words to the song or how to sing the song at all. It was so frustrating because I really wanted to enjoy that song and I couldn't. In the end, I just gave up and put down the microphone. Oh yeah, it was still okay. A little uncomfortable though since I didn't really know too many people there. LOL, I really like the present we got Vwan. That little teddy bear keychain is so cute and perverted at the same time and I love it. Maybe I'll buy one for myself? LOL, I don't want my family to see it and think what the heck is wrong with that girl?

dumcat is right, I shouldn't leave everything to write one long entry but then again, I don't really have much time to write. I'm absolutely stressing out about English now because I have so much due in so little time and I have no motivation to write. It's driving me crazy and I know it has to be done but there's just so much it's overwhelming. I should probably make a list of it before I forget anything. Here goes:
-personal essay
-two persuasive essays responding to the presentations
-rewrite of the Beseiged reponse
-media studies - questions to alt.everything and the "merchant of cool" video response
-Ragtime notes
-Amadeus notes
-revision of cahier responses and paragraphs
oh geez...so much to do, all due NEXT WEEK. Darn, and I know I brought it on myself too by procrastinating for so long.

I miss seeing all my friends. I don't see anyone anymore. I've been so bugged by something this whole week. I was reading a friend's blog last week and apparently he thinks that I have been neglecting him. Personally, I don't think I have. How have I neglected him? I've talked to him everytime I saw him in class didn't I? I don't go out anymore, I don't talk on the phone unless people call me, I don't see him after school, I don't see him at all except in that class and I'm usually trying to pay attention when I'm in there, and besides for dumcat, I don't talk to anyone else on ICQ and that's only cuz he's usually the one to message me first. The thing is, I would confront him about this thing if it wasn't for the fact that instead of coming to me to tell me and potentially solving this mess, he has decided to not talk to me and complain about me instead in his blog. Yes, I have been hurting because I felt as if I was losing a friend too. The difference is, I've been trying to solve it by talking to the person, letting them know that there's been a problem. The difficult part is that I have to work on a presentation with him soon but since we're not on a talking basis, how is that supposed to get done? The stubborn part of me refuses to be the one to say something first even though that's probably the most mature thing to do. Maybe he'll see this and realize that I haven't been purposely ignoring him. I just haven't had time to see anyone for that matter.

What can I say now? I probably have a lot more things to rant and rave and complain and just blab about but I should probably be getting to finishing homework and going to sleep. All right, this has gotten long. Sorry, dumcat, I know it bores you. Jetting now.


"Live long and prosper." - from some dude in Star Trek (I think)

posted by j.why @ 12:46 AM