This is my space and these are my thoughts

Ok...time for a longer entry I guess....I'm not very good at opening up...I've had issues with trusting people for such a long time that I don't know how to change it now...there is something that I need to get off my chest though.
I hafta admit, I've tried to confront this issue many times and I've talked to many people about it but it just won't go away. This is like one of those festering sores that no matter how much you try to cure it and heal it, it just keeps coming back. I guess things have gotten slightly better but it's still not the same.
I want things to be like how they were only a couple months ago. To have something or someone who was such a major presence in your life suddenly diminish their role...it hurts. It makes you wonder what you did to deserve it and it makes you feel like your completely worthless.

I know. A lot of my insecurities stem from events which happened before. I feel like two years ago is happening all over again and this time I can't help but care about it even more because this is someone I truly care about. There haven't been any official declarations or anything but this person has become one of my closest friends in the span of just over a year. One of the things that is really killing me inside is that I don't understand why this is happening. It's so pathetic of me but I've become so deperate at trying to save this friendship that I've probably pushed the person farther away.

Every time I try to lighten up, I can't because that would be changing my ways. Why should I lighten up when I was not the person who's changed? I just wonder is it really so much to ask for what I used to have.

I've thought about cutting this person from my life. It's so hard to face him everyday and know that things are not the same. Honestly, I'm so scared to talk to him now...I'm afraid I'll say something stupid and he won't want to talk to me even more.

I've realized something. I really love Felix. I mean...who has stuck by me more than him through these weeks? After reading his blog, it really surprised me that someone would so gwan sum me. Yes Felix, I know you can read this and no, I'm not writing this because I know you can read this. I guess I've just got things to be thankful for.

School...it's been hell but it's been better since I've changed to having only three courses this semester. The workload was crazy for the first two weeks. All I did was homework from the moment I came home to the moment I went to sleep. I was so hard to concentrate on school during the first couple weeks. Partly because I wasn't out of my summer mood yet and partly because I was too absorbed in my self misery.

I've been able to deal with things easier lately. After a while, you just become numb to any feelings you had before.
I should probably sleep now...it's getting late and I have to wake up tomorrow.

posted by j.why @ 1:13 AM