This is my space and these are my thoughts

ok...i guess i botched up my last blog. Whatever I said, I never meant it in an offensive way towards anybody. *ahem Tailz*. I just mean...what was it that dumcat said again? There are certain aspects of people you don't notice until they get a gf/bf. Like..everything about them was very platonic until u realize that they might like people and people might like them. Hm...that sounds offensive, doesn't it? Well, it's not meant to be!

*sigh* As the days go by, I've been getting more depressed. It's like there's this weight pressing on my heart and it's just getting heavier day by day. That's the horridity of keeping things to yourself. I know, it's unhealthy but who said I was in a healthy state of mind/emotional state? It's just...sometimes...you work so hard at something, you do everything in your power but in the end...you get nothing. The thing is though, this failure of my mine...it stares me in the face every single day; there's no avoiding it. You do so much and you work so hard at it but in the end...nothing. Absolutely nothing. And you question yourself. What was it all for? Was it worth it? Right now, the answers seems to be no.

Ok, there's something that seems really trivial to most people but it's honestly a huge deal to me. I guess it's just that I voluntarily view the world through rose-coloured glasses but honestly, is it normal to be 18 and still be so...unloved? I don't mean friends and family but love, REAL love. Or at least, deep like. For once, I'd like to experience the feeling of having a guy I like, like me back. I'm such a romantic but really - deep down, what girl isn't? At least most other girls have been able to do something about this romance in them. Honestly, what's so horribly bad about me that guys don't like me? Am I to believe that the world is so shallow that they can't get past physical appearance? Is it that even underneath it all, I'm a horrible person after all? Or am I just one of those girls that guys can be friends with but never anything more?

Thanks to everyone who sang Happy Birthday to me in FM today and came over to cut the cake. Hm....too many people at FM but I can thank the ppl who were at my house, non? Thanks Peter! Thanks dumcat! Thanks Simon! Thanks AhGer! Thanks Flora! Thanks for the cake Peter and dumcat! It's lemon, I swear! It didn't go bad! See? No stomach ache. *grinz*

Ahh...after most people left, me, AhGer, and Flomato (as I will call Flora from here on in) had a *deep* conversation. If you like someone, will you tell them? What if they had a bf/gf? What if their bf/gf is a friend of yours? What if the person you like is a close friend of yours? Say the situation is that you want to tell someone you like them but you don't expect anything back from them. Your just putting it out there so that the fact is known. Some people get uncomfortable when people tell them they like them. If the person you like is a good friend, a really close friend, would you risk losing your relationship to tell them you like them? AhGer and Flomato answered yes to this question. So did Peter when I asked him later on the phone. Any input people? I wish I had my tag board up so that you can actually post comments here *ahem dumcat!* But me...I would answer no. Considering I can't even tell my friends when I like someone, how can I go up to the person I like and tell them? Well, were does this get me? No where. But at least I know I won't have to face any potential embarassment/lose a friend/get seriously hurt. I've had my heart broken too badly before, I don't need it a second time...but I guess...things are inevitable, aren't they? If you're destined to have your heart broken again, who are you, in the scheme of things, to stop it from happening? *sigh* Oh destiny can seem so sweet but can also be so cruel.

I dunno...having heard and seen so many people willing to risk rejection to tell someone they like them, it makes me consider about changing my ways. Who knows? It could be along while tho. *sigh* Honestly, if only I could be one of those girls who has fleeting infatuations with guys, then I won't have to go through so much pain every single time someone I like...does...something...I dunno. It's been different for the last three times. But twice...it was only because I kept my feelings so closed. Even once, I got my heart broken by a guy cuz I wasn't willing to admit that I like him even tho he liked me back. He liked me and I didn't do anything about it! Oh well, elementary school...can't complain too much about it. I was young and naive. I guess I'm still young and naive since I haven't changed my ways.

Ok...it's supposed to be my birthday today right? I shouldn't be so depressed. Why do I always get so sad around my birthday? What is it with birthdays anyway that make people reflect so much on their life? Gosh, I'm supposed to be an adult now but I don't feel anything like an adult.

Ok...way too long, non? dumcat, you better have read EVERY SINGLE WORD AND SENTENCE IN HERE! Nah...I guess this was a private blog that I decided to put out there so that it I'll have less weight on my heart. You can scan over it.

Look around you. Maybe if people were more intuitive, then people like me won't have to suffer as much.

posted by j.why @ 2:17 AM